-prelude-

-prelude-

The other humans called him Alcatrazi. It was a name he chose for himself, based loosely on his favorite prison. He was an unusually tall human with a pot belly, who wore a too happy smile on his face, that gave all the other humans he'd ever met the uneasy sensation that he was going to eat them. Truth be told, Alcatrazi would not eat them. Alcatrazi was not a cannibal. He would, on the other hand, do terrible terrible things to any person who happened to be smaller than him, and who additionally lacked the strength and courage, to deny him the opportunity to take advantage of them. Alcatrazi was a terrible terrible person, who would do terrible terrible things to both human and goldfish alike... given the opportunity.

Today he was stalking through the shallow end of a small pond, with that same too happy smile on his face, and a large black net over his shoulder.

Today he would meet his match.

...

flip ta chapta 1!

When Timothy Met Smidgeons

Previously on Smidgeons the Fish...

"Is he gonna put us back in the pond once he gets all the money he wants?" questioned Nearly Smart Sister.

"No..." Smidgeons said slowly. "He's not. He said yesterday that once he's done with us... he's going to flush us down a thing. I'm pretty sure he called it... "a toilet." "

...

"Panic!!!" Shouted Panic Fish, having correctly determined that this time it was indeed a proper time for panicking. And every gold fry in every cup, save for smidgeons, began to swim in panicked circles shrieking things like 'Gonna die!' and 'Down the toilet!'

Smidgeons sighed.

And went about formulating a plan.

Chapter five!
When Timothy Met Smidgeons!

It seemed to all the human passers by and those waiting in line to throw balls at hoops as well... that something rather odd was going on with all the tiny baby goldfish, who all seemed to be swimming in tiny frenzied semi circles within their tiny plastic cups.

"Are the fishies ok?" asked a small girl, as she tugged on her mommy's sleeve.

"They're fishes in cups," answered a tall boy standing off to the side of them. "What's to be ok about?"

The boy was an awkward, and handsome -(in an unusual and slightly simian way)- Irish lad with messy fiery colored hair, whose name happened to be Timothy, and he had been passing by the attraction after exiting a porta potty in which he had been dunking his best friend Billy's head for the past quarter of an hour.

(Billy had recently found religion, and thusly ratted Timothy out to the Principal for having suplexed an elderly midget into a trash can [on a dare,] resulting in Timothy's half week suspension from school.)

He had been on his way to the library in search of a new (and preferably less ethically disposed) geek to do his homework for him, when the many cups full of circling fish caught his attention. No one can say for certain, what caused Timothy to stop and watch those tiny goldfry circle in their cups... perhaps somewhere within that tiny pea brain of his... he drew an analogy between those circling fish in their cups and his own life. The world may never know. But he stopped, and he watched.

Three parents with children stepped to the front, paid their five bucks a piece, and each tossed three metal balls haphazardly at the ring. Timothy wasn't overly intelligent, but he was born into a family filled to the brink with the types of folks who would run scams such as these, and he was relatively certain there was no way anyone was going to get any of those balls through that hoop.

He eyed the hoop for awhile... thinking for a moment that if somebody threw the ball hard and perfect enough, they could throw it so the ball would get stuck right in the middle of the circle... and then for a moment he even wondered if he could do it. As a professional bully, Timothy spent nearly 60 percent of his time throwing things either at people or through their windows, and he'd become quite good at it. And he supposed their was a slight possibility he could make that shot. That is if he had fifty or sixty bucks to blow on the game, and all day to throw metal balls at hoops.

Well technically he did have all day to throw balls at hoops, he supposed with a shrug. But all he had was five dollars on him left for the fare. And mugging someone here in broad day light might be ill advised... but the final deciding factor was that Timothy had no interest whatsoever in winning a goldfish. After all, goldfish were stupid.

So with a final stretch and yawn. Timothy started to walk past the goldfish and onward in search of geek lackeys.

It was that point that a tiny goldfry with a silver stripe on its back, shot out of his cup and into the air, latching onto Timothy's nose in it's mouth.

...

The Goldfish Assembly

Previously on Smidgeons the Fish...

"How come they don't wanna eat us? They crazy or something? Am I not sexy!? Am I not delicious!?"

"Could you repeat everything you just said!? I wasn't listening!"

"I'm sleepy."

"Do I have a name!? I forgot it!"

"Why they keep throwing balls at the rings!?"

"Silence dullards!" boomed smidgeons. "We'll never get anywhere like this! We need some semblance of order! Now listen here!'

And they did listen...

And before long the very first meeting of the very first ever (to my knowledge) goldfish assembly was called to order.

...

"Here ye! Here ye! I herebye call this first meeting of the goldfish imprisoned in plastic cups to order!' bellowed smidgeons.

Chapter 4!
The Goldfish Assembly!

"What's an assembly!?" Called one of the ruder fish. And he wiggled his tail menacingly to let everyone know he was in charge.

"Silence!" bellowed smidgeons again. "No one is allowed to talk but me! Because i'm the assembly master! And for the record an assembly is an organized gathering of fishes.' In truth smartfish had had no clue what assembly was. It was a human word he'd overheard, but being the smartest goldfish that ever lived, he'd managed to correctly hypothesize it's meaning.

Smidgeons went on: 'And organized means everybody needs to be quiet and follow the rules! Rule number one! If you have any questions raise a fin and wait to be called on by the fish in the cup to my left whom shall heretofort be referred to as Smart Sister."

"I'm smart!' cried Smart Sister happily.

"Make that Nearly Smart Sister,' corrected smidgeons on his second thought.

"Awwwww..." said Nearly Smart Sister sadly. She sincerely wished she could bite smidgeons on the nose, and was in mourning of the fact that she could not.

"Ok you axe a question," said Nearly Smart Sister to a polite looking fish with his fin raised.

"Ummmmmmmmmm..." he started to say.

"No!' shouted smidgeons, so loudly that both Nearly Smart Fish and polite fish jumped in their cups. 'Don't call on anyone 'til I tell you to, stupid!"

Smidgeons continued to speak as nearly smart Sister fphtphfphtphfphtph-ed at him, and Polite Fish played dead after making a poor attempt at hiding in the bottom of his cup.

"before any of you ask any more questions which i'm sure will somehow be even stupider... I'll make a brief statement on the most important facts with regard to our current predicament."

"What's a predicament!?" shouted the rather rude fish in the back.

"Yer out of order!" shouted Smidgeons, (who for the record could easily out-rude the rudest goldfish of the rudest goldfish family ing the whole world.)

"But i wanna know what a predicament is!" demanded Rude Fish, (who could also have out-ruded that fish.)

"Then wait until the proper time!" yelled Smidgeons.

"But i wanna know now!" yelled Rude Fish even louder back.

"Fine! Someone tell this dullard what a predicament is!" he conceded unhapilly and circled his cup passive aggressively whilst rolling his eyes.

There was a brief silence. All of the gold-fry stared blankly at him.

"Oh i forgot... you're all dullards..." Smidgeons muttered sadly.

In point of fact none of Smidgeons' siblings siblings were dullards. They were all reasonably intelligent for three day old fry. (Fry is the word for a baby fish such as Smidgeons and his captive family.)

They were therefor not familiar with the word "predicament" which was not even a word in the goldfish language It was in fact minnow speak as you may have guessed... since they, like you humans, have a love for creating long words to use in situations where a short one would, suffice in order to seem impressive. Minnows do it to over compensate  for being small... And of course you humans over compensate for pretty much everything as a matter of habit! ... No offense.

"I'm not a dullard!' cried out rude fish. 'The rest of these people are, but not me!"
In truth Rude Fish, like his other siblings, with the exception of Smidgeons, had no idea what dullard meant either. Since dullard was also word in minnow and not goldfish.

"Fine a predicament is a situatio-" he started to say. Then sighed realizing his sibling wouldn't understand the word "situation" either. As that was also also minnow-speak.

"A predicament is a thing," he finally said.

"Ohh..." said the masses of wide eyed gold-fry in cups.

"So why don't you just thing! Huh!? Why talks all fancy!?" shouted Rude fish.

"Ok ok. I'm gonna explain to y'all the thing we're in," Smidgeons grumbled, rolling his eyes.

"These creatures... big things all around us call themselves humans. They're gigantic, highly dangerous and incredibly stupid. The good news is they don't want to eat us. They want us for pets.

See that strange dry mossy stuff all over that thing next to a human."

"That moss doesn't look very yummy..." commented Random Comment Fish, after being called on by Nearly Smart Sister.

"I imagine it's not. In fact it's not even moss at all. The dry mossy stuff is called "fur". And the thing that it's attached to is called a "dog". Humans keep them for pets. They feed them. Give them treats, make them do tricks, and control their movements. See that long vine thing around his neck? The humans made that somehow, and it's called a "leash." With it they control the movement of their pets."

"But I dun wanna be on a leash!" shouted Panic Fish, after being called on by Nearly Smart Sister.

"Well... we won't be," said Smidgeons. "They have other means for controlling us."

"Like what?" questioned Nearly Smart Sister.

"Like putting us in tiny plastic cups, dullard."

Nearly Smart Sister growled again in a manner she thought was menacing, but was actually merely adorable.

Smidgeons went on: "But that's not the worst of it. As pets these human beings around us would undoubtedly be far too stupid to care for us. They'd either forget to feed us, and we'd starve, or over feed us, causing us to die of bloaty-iness."

"We wouldn't eat ourselves to death! We're not that stupid!" shouted Rude Fish, who hadn't bothered to raise his fin to be called on.

"Yer out of order!" shouted Nearly Smart Sister. Sad she hadn't gotten to call on someone.

"It's not about smarts," Smidgeons informed the rest. "Think how bored we'll be in these little cups instead of our pond. Someone pours any food at all in here with us... we'll eat it just to pass the time."

"Oh my god we're all gonna die of bloaty-ness!!!" shouted Panic Fish. And then he added:

"Panic!!!"

"QUIET DULLARDS!!!" shouted Rude Fish. And everyone stopped.

"Don't call them dullards!" shouted Smidgeons. "That's my line!"

"I was saying dullards before anyone," announced Rude Fish.

"You were not!"

"Was too."

"Ok forget it I don't care. Say dullard all you want."

"Ok dullard!"

Smart Fish (Smidgeons) sighed. "Ok so... no one has to worry about being pets. The humans who want us for pets can't have us because they're too stupid to realize they can't win us by throwing those balls through the hoops that are too small for the balls to go through. The only humans here of any real intelligence are the ones passing by and not playing and the one who captured us who tricks the others into giving up those green flat things in exchange for throwing the balls. The humans call the green flat things money. And it seems to be very important to them."

"Is he gonna put us back in the pond once he gets all the money he wants?" questioned Nearly Smart Sister.

"No..." Smidgeons said slowly. "He's not. He said yesterday that once he's done with us... he's going to flush us down a thing. I'm pretty sure he called it... "a toilet." "

...

flip to chapta 5!