-prelude-

-prelude-

The other humans called him Alcatrazi. It was a name he chose for himself, based loosely on his favorite prison. He was an unusually tall human with a pot belly, who wore a too happy smile on his face, that gave all the other humans he'd ever met the uneasy sensation that he was going to eat them. Truth be told, Alcatrazi would not eat them. Alcatrazi was not a cannibal. He would, on the other hand, do terrible terrible things to any person who happened to be smaller than him, and who additionally lacked the strength and courage, to deny him the opportunity to take advantage of them. Alcatrazi was a terrible terrible person, who would do terrible terrible things to both human and goldfish alike... given the opportunity.

Today he was stalking through the shallow end of a small pond, with that same too happy smile on his face, and a large black net over his shoulder.

Today he would meet his match.

...

flip ta chapta 1!

When Timothy Met Smidgeons

Previously on Smidgeons the Fish...

"Is he gonna put us back in the pond once he gets all the money he wants?" questioned Nearly Smart Sister.

"No..." Smidgeons said slowly. "He's not. He said yesterday that once he's done with us... he's going to flush us down a thing. I'm pretty sure he called it... "a toilet." "

...

"Panic!!!" Shouted Panic Fish, having correctly determined that this time it was indeed a proper time for panicking. And every gold fry in every cup, save for smidgeons, began to swim in panicked circles shrieking things like 'Gonna die!' and 'Down the toilet!'

Smidgeons sighed.

And went about formulating a plan.

Chapter five!
When Timothy Met Smidgeons!

It seemed to all the human passers by and those waiting in line to throw balls at hoops as well... that something rather odd was going on with all the tiny baby goldfish, who all seemed to be swimming in tiny frenzied semi circles within their tiny plastic cups.

"Are the fishies ok?" asked a small girl, as she tugged on her mommy's sleeve.

"They're fishes in cups," answered a tall boy standing off to the side of them. "What's to be ok about?"

The boy was an awkward, and handsome -(in an unusual and slightly simian way)- Irish lad with messy fiery colored hair, whose name happened to be Timothy, and he had been passing by the attraction after exiting a porta potty in which he had been dunking his best friend Billy's head for the past quarter of an hour.

(Billy had recently found religion, and thusly ratted Timothy out to the Principal for having suplexed an elderly midget into a trash can [on a dare,] resulting in Timothy's half week suspension from school.)

He had been on his way to the library in search of a new (and preferably less ethically disposed) geek to do his homework for him, when the many cups full of circling fish caught his attention. No one can say for certain, what caused Timothy to stop and watch those tiny goldfry circle in their cups... perhaps somewhere within that tiny pea brain of his... he drew an analogy between those circling fish in their cups and his own life. The world may never know. But he stopped, and he watched.

Three parents with children stepped to the front, paid their five bucks a piece, and each tossed three metal balls haphazardly at the ring. Timothy wasn't overly intelligent, but he was born into a family filled to the brink with the types of folks who would run scams such as these, and he was relatively certain there was no way anyone was going to get any of those balls through that hoop.

He eyed the hoop for awhile... thinking for a moment that if somebody threw the ball hard and perfect enough, they could throw it so the ball would get stuck right in the middle of the circle... and then for a moment he even wondered if he could do it. As a professional bully, Timothy spent nearly 60 percent of his time throwing things either at people or through their windows, and he'd become quite good at it. And he supposed their was a slight possibility he could make that shot. That is if he had fifty or sixty bucks to blow on the game, and all day to throw metal balls at hoops.

Well technically he did have all day to throw balls at hoops, he supposed with a shrug. But all he had was five dollars on him left for the fare. And mugging someone here in broad day light might be ill advised... but the final deciding factor was that Timothy had no interest whatsoever in winning a goldfish. After all, goldfish were stupid.

So with a final stretch and yawn. Timothy started to walk past the goldfish and onward in search of geek lackeys.

It was that point that a tiny goldfry with a silver stripe on its back, shot out of his cup and into the air, latching onto Timothy's nose in it's mouth.

...

The Goldfish Assembly

Previously on Smidgeons the Fish...

"How come they don't wanna eat us? They crazy or something? Am I not sexy!? Am I not delicious!?"

"Could you repeat everything you just said!? I wasn't listening!"

"I'm sleepy."

"Do I have a name!? I forgot it!"

"Why they keep throwing balls at the rings!?"

"Silence dullards!" boomed smidgeons. "We'll never get anywhere like this! We need some semblance of order! Now listen here!'

And they did listen...

And before long the very first meeting of the very first ever (to my knowledge) goldfish assembly was called to order.

...

"Here ye! Here ye! I herebye call this first meeting of the goldfish imprisoned in plastic cups to order!' bellowed smidgeons.

Chapter 4!
The Goldfish Assembly!

"What's an assembly!?" Called one of the ruder fish. And he wiggled his tail menacingly to let everyone know he was in charge.

"Silence!" bellowed smidgeons again. "No one is allowed to talk but me! Because i'm the assembly master! And for the record an assembly is an organized gathering of fishes.' In truth smartfish had had no clue what assembly was. It was a human word he'd overheard, but being the smartest goldfish that ever lived, he'd managed to correctly hypothesize it's meaning.

Smidgeons went on: 'And organized means everybody needs to be quiet and follow the rules! Rule number one! If you have any questions raise a fin and wait to be called on by the fish in the cup to my left whom shall heretofort be referred to as Smart Sister."

"I'm smart!' cried Smart Sister happily.

"Make that Nearly Smart Sister,' corrected smidgeons on his second thought.

"Awwwww..." said Nearly Smart Sister sadly. She sincerely wished she could bite smidgeons on the nose, and was in mourning of the fact that she could not.

"Ok you axe a question," said Nearly Smart Sister to a polite looking fish with his fin raised.

"Ummmmmmmmmm..." he started to say.

"No!' shouted smidgeons, so loudly that both Nearly Smart Fish and polite fish jumped in their cups. 'Don't call on anyone 'til I tell you to, stupid!"

Smidgeons continued to speak as nearly smart Sister fphtphfphtphfphtph-ed at him, and Polite Fish played dead after making a poor attempt at hiding in the bottom of his cup.

"before any of you ask any more questions which i'm sure will somehow be even stupider... I'll make a brief statement on the most important facts with regard to our current predicament."

"What's a predicament!?" shouted the rather rude fish in the back.

"Yer out of order!" shouted Smidgeons, (who for the record could easily out-rude the rudest goldfish of the rudest goldfish family ing the whole world.)

"But i wanna know what a predicament is!" demanded Rude Fish, (who could also have out-ruded that fish.)

"Then wait until the proper time!" yelled Smidgeons.

"But i wanna know now!" yelled Rude Fish even louder back.

"Fine! Someone tell this dullard what a predicament is!" he conceded unhapilly and circled his cup passive aggressively whilst rolling his eyes.

There was a brief silence. All of the gold-fry stared blankly at him.

"Oh i forgot... you're all dullards..." Smidgeons muttered sadly.

In point of fact none of Smidgeons' siblings siblings were dullards. They were all reasonably intelligent for three day old fry. (Fry is the word for a baby fish such as Smidgeons and his captive family.)

They were therefor not familiar with the word "predicament" which was not even a word in the goldfish language It was in fact minnow speak as you may have guessed... since they, like you humans, have a love for creating long words to use in situations where a short one would, suffice in order to seem impressive. Minnows do it to over compensate  for being small... And of course you humans over compensate for pretty much everything as a matter of habit! ... No offense.

"I'm not a dullard!' cried out rude fish. 'The rest of these people are, but not me!"
In truth Rude Fish, like his other siblings, with the exception of Smidgeons, had no idea what dullard meant either. Since dullard was also word in minnow and not goldfish.

"Fine a predicament is a situatio-" he started to say. Then sighed realizing his sibling wouldn't understand the word "situation" either. As that was also also minnow-speak.

"A predicament is a thing," he finally said.

"Ohh..." said the masses of wide eyed gold-fry in cups.

"So why don't you just thing! Huh!? Why talks all fancy!?" shouted Rude fish.

"Ok ok. I'm gonna explain to y'all the thing we're in," Smidgeons grumbled, rolling his eyes.

"These creatures... big things all around us call themselves humans. They're gigantic, highly dangerous and incredibly stupid. The good news is they don't want to eat us. They want us for pets.

See that strange dry mossy stuff all over that thing next to a human."

"That moss doesn't look very yummy..." commented Random Comment Fish, after being called on by Nearly Smart Sister.

"I imagine it's not. In fact it's not even moss at all. The dry mossy stuff is called "fur". And the thing that it's attached to is called a "dog". Humans keep them for pets. They feed them. Give them treats, make them do tricks, and control their movements. See that long vine thing around his neck? The humans made that somehow, and it's called a "leash." With it they control the movement of their pets."

"But I dun wanna be on a leash!" shouted Panic Fish, after being called on by Nearly Smart Sister.

"Well... we won't be," said Smidgeons. "They have other means for controlling us."

"Like what?" questioned Nearly Smart Sister.

"Like putting us in tiny plastic cups, dullard."

Nearly Smart Sister growled again in a manner she thought was menacing, but was actually merely adorable.

Smidgeons went on: "But that's not the worst of it. As pets these human beings around us would undoubtedly be far too stupid to care for us. They'd either forget to feed us, and we'd starve, or over feed us, causing us to die of bloaty-iness."

"We wouldn't eat ourselves to death! We're not that stupid!" shouted Rude Fish, who hadn't bothered to raise his fin to be called on.

"Yer out of order!" shouted Nearly Smart Sister. Sad she hadn't gotten to call on someone.

"It's not about smarts," Smidgeons informed the rest. "Think how bored we'll be in these little cups instead of our pond. Someone pours any food at all in here with us... we'll eat it just to pass the time."

"Oh my god we're all gonna die of bloaty-ness!!!" shouted Panic Fish. And then he added:

"Panic!!!"

"QUIET DULLARDS!!!" shouted Rude Fish. And everyone stopped.

"Don't call them dullards!" shouted Smidgeons. "That's my line!"

"I was saying dullards before anyone," announced Rude Fish.

"You were not!"

"Was too."

"Ok forget it I don't care. Say dullard all you want."

"Ok dullard!"

Smart Fish (Smidgeons) sighed. "Ok so... no one has to worry about being pets. The humans who want us for pets can't have us because they're too stupid to realize they can't win us by throwing those balls through the hoops that are too small for the balls to go through. The only humans here of any real intelligence are the ones passing by and not playing and the one who captured us who tricks the others into giving up those green flat things in exchange for throwing the balls. The humans call the green flat things money. And it seems to be very important to them."

"Is he gonna put us back in the pond once he gets all the money he wants?" questioned Nearly Smart Sister.

"No..." Smidgeons said slowly. "He's not. He said yesterday that once he's done with us... he's going to flush us down a thing. I'm pretty sure he called it... "a toilet." "

...

flip to chapta 5!

The Legendary Smartyness of Smart Fish

previously on Smidgeons the Fish...

"But how do you know that Smart Fish?" tped his sister

"And what the heck is a pet?" tped his brother.

"I know because the big person who fishnapped us told all so last night! Wasn't anybody paying attention but me!?"

There was a short silence, as it dawned on all of Smidgeons' siblings, just how smart their brother Smart Fish really was.

...

"You can understand the Big Things?" His sister closest (by proximity) tped, finally breaking up the fishy silence.

Chapter 3!
The Legendary Smartyness of Smart Fish!

"Of course i understand them! How many times do i have to tell you people! If you wanna learn to speak a language all you have to do is listen to it for awhile! Their language is even easier than minnow!"

The rest of the fish, shifted in their plastic cups. None of them had bothered to learn minnow speak despite Smart Fish's urgings.

"And don't call them Big Things! It makes you sound stupid. They're called humans."

Smidgeons' closest (again, in proximity: [That's distance]) sister, did not much like being called stupid. If not for the fact that they were in separate cups, she would have swam up to him and bit smart fish right on the nose, which is the greatest insult one goldfish can give to another, and must, according to fishy custom, be followed by an immediate race through a deep sea cave, to establish dominance.

But she and smartfish weren't in the same cup together, which meant she'd have to defend herself with words instead. She puffed her cheeks in discomfort... being much better with nose biting than she was with words.

"Yer the one who started calling em big things in the first place!" she fped accusingly.

"That was before i learned their proper name," Smidgeons retorted to his sister. "Sheesh, buy a clue! Seriously!"

Smidgeons' sister was struck silent buy this remark, namely because like the rest of the dishes in cups surrounding and listening intently to smidgeons, she had no idea what it was to buy something, nor did she have any notion of what a clue was. Still they could all tell from Smidgeons' movements, tone, and fin language, (that's the goldfish equivalent of body language) that this had be a most dreadful and horrific insult, and none of them dared ask him what he meant for fear of it being suggested they ought to "buy" yet even more "clues".

Needless to say, had Smart Fish's sister been in the same cup with him, she'd have bit him on the nose very hard at least three times in retaliation. Since she was not, she instead let out a very long angry fish-growl. (A goldfish's fish-growl sounds something like this: "fphtphfphtphfphtph" and it is not considered very threatening by any fish in all the world, including other goldfish, and even smaller fishies such as minnows. Which makes a lot of sense considering how at the time goldfish were quite widely regarded as the least harmful species of fish in the entirety of all the oceans. [Including the lesser known Atlantacific Ocean, located just between the North Pole and Greenish-blue land.] A fact which will we will come to consider somewhat ironic, what with the havoc our Smidgeon would come to wreak upon the world once ruled by man.)

A sea of questions ensued:

"Well what're they gonna do to us then!?"

"What's a human!?"

"How come they don't wanna eat us? They crazy or something? Am I not sexy!? Am I not delicious!?"

"Could you repeat everything you just said!? I wasn't listening!"

"How come these cups are so small!?"

"I'm sleepy."

"Do I have a name!? I forgot it!"

"Why they keep throwing balls at the rings!?"

"Silence dullards!" boomed smidgeons. "We'll never get anywhere like this! We need some semblance of order! Now listen here!'

And they did listen...

And before long the very first meeting of the very first ever (to my knowledge) goldfish assembly was called to order.

...

flip ta chapta 4!

The Mysterious Humans and Their Seemingly Silly Intentions

...

previously on Smidgeons the Fish...

It was with this in mind, that Smidgeons allowed himself and his entire family to be captured and placed in small plastic cups, to be given away as prizes to anyone who could throw a very large metal ball through a rather narrow metal hoop. As orchestrated by the very large man... with the very large net.

...

Now you may be thinking that Smidgeons was a little bit mean to his family... allowing them all to be captured like that... but you have to keep in mind that this was the first human our Smidgeons had ever seen, and for all he knew, it was his one and only shot at a voyage to the uppermost tops of the overwater. And he was NOT going to miss out on that.

Additionally worth mentioning is the fact that even this seemingly hopeless situation for the family of goldfish was, in Smidgeons'' opinion, not outside the scope of his control. Smidgeons, like most great geniuses, feared nothing... and believed there was no situation he could not conquer. He believed therefore, that his family was in no real danger. As to whether or not Smidgeons assertion was correct... That... We'll come to find out.


Chapter Two!
The Mysterious Humans!
And Their Seemingly Silly Intentions!


... Few days later.


Smidgeons was feeling rather grumpy. The small cup he was imprisoned in wasn't very spacious, and all the humans beings he'd had the chance to observe thus far were not in the least bit interesting.

It seemed to Smidgeons... from his observations thus far... that human beings existed for only one purpose. To attempt to win goldfish. Not to actually win goldfish, mind you, but to attempt it, and fail in that attempt, by trying to toss large metal balls through smaller metal hoops.

This puzzled Smidgeons. Especially baffling was the fact that the metal ball being thrown could not possibly fit though the slightly smaller ring that the humans all seemed intent on putting it through... Smidgeons could see this quite easily, since he, like most goldfish had nearly perfect and far superior to human eyesight.

Smidgeons had correctly deduced that little green sheets of paper the humans dished out for a chance to fail at throwing a ball through a hoop, was of some value to the humans. Smidgeons made mental note: Human beings are so obsessed with goldfish, that they are willing to lose wealth in exchange for the opportunity to delude themselves into pretending they might win one.

"Fp tp!" Cried one of Smidgeons' sisters, from the cup next to his, breaking his train of thought. Roughly translated from goldfish to human English this meant: "Gonna eat us!"

Smidgeons informed his sister not to be silly. "Of course the big things aren't going to eat us."

And this may have calmed her down some if not for the fact that Smidgeons' brother on the other side of his cup hadn't happened to overhear the last and only the last three words of the conversation.

"Gonna eat us!" he cried out. "Smart Fish says they's gonna eat us!"

And all Smidgeons' brothers, and all Smidgeons' sisters began circling their cups shouting: "Fp tp! Fp tp!" - "Gonna eat us! Gonna eat us!"

"Sp fp bp kp!" began Smidgeons, which meant: "Quiet dullards!" He added: "I said they're NOT going to eat us! They just want us for pets! Sheesh..."

The others calmed some at this. Everyone had the utmost respect for Smidgeons. Or Smart Fish as he was called at the time.

"But how do you know that Smart Fish?" tped his sister

"And what the heck is a pet?" tped his brother.

"I know because the big person who fishnapped us told all so last night! Wasn't anybody paying attention but me!?"

There was a short silence, as it dawned on all of Smidgeons' siblings, just how smart their brother Smart Fish really was.

...

flip ta chapta 3!

The Origin of a Fish out of Water

Previously on Smidgeons...

Alcatrazi was a terrible terrible person, who would do terrible terrible things to both human and goldfish alike... given the opportunity.

Today he was stalking through the shallow end of a small pond, with that same too happy smile on his face, and a large black net over his shoulder.

Today he would meet his match.

...

Once upon a time there was a fish named Smidgeons. Smidgeons was an unusual goldfish with a silver stripe on his back. But that was hardly the extent to which Smidgeons was not usual.

Chapter 1!
The Origin of a Fish out of Water!

Smidgeons was rather smart for a fish. No. That's a bit of an understatement. It's quite fair to say, that Smidgeons was in point of fact... the smartest fish in the entire world.

He was also, I will state for the record, of greater intellect than most dolphins, some mice, and (needless to say) all humans.

He was also therefore, far far smarter than the small human boy who owned him, whose name happened to be Timothy. But this was no great accomplishment. As Timothy was by all accounts: a simple, common, run of the mill human bully, and was therefor not very smart at all. Just about every fish was smarter than Timothy.

So yes Timothy was a bully by trade. He wasn't particularly proud of being a bully. But he was good at it. And so he did it. It was like Uncle Jimbo had said, wasn't it? "The whole point of being human beings like us, is to find something that you're good at, and keep doing it til you die." And Timothy reckoned that's just what he would do. ... As mentioned before Timothy wasn't all that smart.

And that's precisely why Smidgeons and Timothy were able to get along so well as owner and pet. At first glance one might see the duo as as different a pair as a fish and person could be, but Smidgeons' great ambition , and Timothy's lack thereof, made them as natural a set of partners as e'r there were. Needless to say their relationship was in no way a typical example of the "standard owner/pet relationship", but when you think about it their working relationship made as much sense as any other. In that it provided Timothy with the opportunity to pretend to be something he was not, whilst providing Smidgeons the chance to try his fin at world domination.

Not that clumsy silly sort of world domination you humans so often attempt, but the splendid adoreable sort of world domination, that could only have been achieved by a wildly charismatic and brilliant goldfish such as mysel- ... Such as Smigeons.

When Smidgeons and Timothy first crossed paths, Timothy was a dull witted yet extremely proficient bully of eleven years of age, and Smidgeons was a three day old goldfry, (that's a baby goldfish,) who could dream up multi-spectral quadratic equations so complicated, than no human being, (including Santa Claus!) could ever possibly fathom them.

He had in fact hatched later than all the rest of his siblings, stubbornly refusing to part from his egg until he had solved the multi-numeratored and quasi-denominatored cosmic fraction problem he'd carved onto the inside of it.

Smidgeons had also been in the middle of calculating an extremely complicated mega algebraic equation involving quasi-fractal co-nunmesators, when he and all his brothers and and all his sisters were abducted from their pond... by a man with a net.

-SPLASH!!!- went the tremendous net as it crashed downward into the water seperating the sixty or so goldfry from their parents, and all else in the pond which they had called home.

All Smidgeons' brothers and sisters were screaming as loud as they could. You probably didn't think fish could scream, being under water and all. But we can. When a fish screams, it sounds something like this, underwater: "Tp!" All of them were screaming "Tp tp! Tp tp!" And swimming all around Smidgeons, and trying with futility to squeeze themselves through the tiny holes in the netting.

Smidgeons was also upset by this turn of events. Not so much because he was frightened by his giant human captor... for Smidgeons had already come up with fifteen different viable escape plans. Any of which he could easily have utilized to elude his obviously dull witted captor. Smidgeons was only upset because the sudden crash down of the net had made him forget where he was in his math problem. The situation was well under his control.

The human with the big net fascinated Smidgeons. All that time thinking up math problems... And it hadn't occurred to him to look up at that world above even once, but now... now it was all he could think about.

Right then and there, Smidgeons made the decision of a life time. He was going to travel the overwater, exploring the world above and figure out everything there was to know about it. He would be the world's first upmariner.

It was with this in mind, that Smidgeons allowed himself and his entire family to be captured and placed in small plastic cups, to be given away as prizes to anyone who could throw a very large metal ball through a rather narrow metal hoop. As orchestrated by the very large man... with the very large net.

...

flip to chapta 2!